Assault on Wall Street (Blu-Ray)

I always thought Schindler’s List was a depressing movie. That is until I saw Assault on Wall Street. Now that is a depressing movie!

The most depressing thing of all being what has become of my first celebrity crush, John Connor Edward Furlong, who plays a security guard for an armored truck company and the BFF of Assault’s main character, Jim (Dominic Purcell). 

More on Jim soon but first things first: What the hell happened to Edward Furlong?

Have you seen this boy?

No, T1000, not since American History X, and if I am honest, time (and drugs and domestic violence charges) have not been kind to him.

Edward Furlong in Assault on John Connor
Edward Furlong in “Assault on John Connor”

Okay, now that I’ve got that off my chest, back to the main issue at hand. How can anything be more depressing than Schindler’s List? Nothing can top the saddest Holocaust movie of all time, right? Well, my friend, SPOILERS ahead if you want to know how it’s done. And don’t say I didn’t warn you because I am spoiling this whole damn depressing movie.

Assault starts out introducing us to blue collar New Yorker Jim and his just-recovering-from-brain-cancer-wife, Rosie. Rosie and Jim would like to start a family, they tell her oncologist. Aw, sweet. But they’ll have to hold off first until she’s had some follow-up treatments. Okay, a bit of a bummer but they’ll wait. It’ll happen! (Note: It will not happen, as Rosie’s brain cancer is just the first thing in a long line of depressing things that will happen to this unlucky twosome before the movie is over.)

It turns out poor Rosie’s treatments aren’t covered by their insurance, so they’ll have to pay out of pocket, which won’t be easy since they’ve been living off one salary since she’s been sick. Jim tells her not to worry though, he’ll manage.
And manage he does for all of about three minutes until he loses their life savings in the stock market based on some bad investments by his broker. And as if that’s not bad enough, they want to charge him an additional $60,000 (or some absurd amount) for some reason or another which means he’ll need to hire a lawyer to fight the charges. Of course, having just lost his life savings, Jim can’t swing that kind of money.

Right then and there I am convinced he is going to rob the armored truck he protects as a security guard (you know, alongside his BFF John Connor Edward Furlong) but I guess that must be some other movie because instead, the next thing we know, his good old BFF comes in and gives him $30,00 because ya know, “he doesn’t have a wife and kids”. Huh? Not having a family means you can just give – that’s right, not lend but give – someone $30k? Because that’s what Eddie does. He even threw in this awesome line, “Ain’t no thing but a chicken wing” just to prove how much of a big deal it wasn’t. BFF of the year, right there!
You’d think with that Jim’s fortune would turn around for the better, but you’d be wrong.

What? Bad news?
What? Bad news?

What happened was this: Jim retained a lawyer but ultimately his attorney couldn’t help him, collections agencies started coming after him, the bank said it was going to foreclose on his house, Rosie stopped going in for treatments when she learned of their financial woes, his employer had to let him go once the debt collectors started trying to attach his wages (turns out it looks bad business-wise to have that kind of person around an armored truck, after all – see, I was right!), Rosie slit her wrists(!), Jim lost his house, and then in his despair post-Rosie’s death he unintentionally causes someone’s death.
Of course, this all leads to the assault on Wall Street, for which the movie is named. Jim plans a methodical attack on those whom he feels destroyed his life. We’re supposed to empathize with him and in a way, who wouldn’t after all the poor sap has been through, but at that point the never ending string of misfortunes had all gotten to be a bit too much for me and I just couldn’t care less.

I mean even Schindler’s List ends on a high note.

Rating: 4.5

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